Cracks...

Its happening...the breaking.
I was in a massage today and a Christmas song came on. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I want a Billings Christmas... I want to walk into the doors of Faith Evangelical Church and be handed a candle with a cardboard holder. I want to relax at home with my mom and dad, I want to dash out the door and meet up with my friends from high school who are getting married and having babies, I want to be surrounded by people who know me. I want to be hugged, but not on this superficial level. I want to be hugged by the people who can see the distress and pain in my eyes. I want to fall apart in some one's arms. It took a year and a half, but I am finally dry. I am parched. How long has it been since I've worshiped at the top of my lungs, and been fed by the words of Christ spoken around me. How long has it been since I've had people KNOW me, let them in...I am so afraid right now. And I have no one to share my fears with. I just keep burrying. It is almost laughable when people comment on how calm I always am...thats because I've learned to stuff every emotion except that which is "acceptable", the good, cheery, and supportive Becca. Fears: Job, Relationships, Family, God. These things that are what make up our moments...and no one knows how horrified I am.

I cried all the way home from work today...not this bawling noisy wetness, but the slow seeping of tears because I have too much going on to break.