Monday, March 22, 2010
Unsure
I think things are slipping. I find myself ansy with the quiet...my mind will not quit. When I stop and am alone in the quiet, the fears overwhelm me, and its not the fear of the unknown. Its the fear of things being always the same. Am I taking time off just to be thrown away? I can feel the shift, the uncare, the neglect and I can't decide if it is so he is protected or if it is just the natural movement. If only we had had the discussion about the "L" word before it was said. The "L" word is not to be used in a desperate attempt to sway someone or to convince them. The "L" word is used to inform and exude...it is not last ditch's effort to maintain. So I write and I blog and I watch and try to experience because with the quiet I am left with the ache of longing for something that will not be obtained nor can it be asked for nor bought nor traded. It can only be bestowed in the humblest of moments in the most willing of weaknesses. The frusterating thing is knowing the men that they could be, the men that we as women catch glimpses of...the men that they simply choose not to be out of fear and selfish ambition. The point being brought up of timing. And yes, I understand and see the error of timing, but I do not feel as though it is my call to make. Even in this, being hurt, it must be his decision to stop, at least forcing some movement of manhood choices, or empathy for what is occuring...i can feel things slipping.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day Off
Having a hard time these days... update on what is going on...some good, some bad...
1. Received notice today that the house we rent is going to be going on the housing market in about a month...kind of praying that it will just be one the market for a year or so...we have a lot going on at the house right now, one of the roommates is really going to be freaking out about this.
2. I decided to quit the church job finally...and by quit I mean put in my month notice...but a huge weight off of my heart and mind because of it.
3. I have signed up for a personal trainer for some sessions, I need to kick it into gear...I think that is part of the reason things have been so off.
4. The boyfriend and I are discussing breaking up or moving closer together...amidst all of this, I am having a hard time believing that he loves me. Yes, we've been together a year, but the long distance is taking its toll. I am feeling as though I am the one willing to make the big sacrifices, and since he is not, I do not feel like he loves me as he claims.
5. Quitting the church job is going to allow me to really involve myself in the church I have begun attending. I am quite excited for this, to face the challenge of getting to know other Christians and share life with them.
6. I just purchased a ticket to LA for the end of may. There is a group of 4 of us ladies who have been friends since 6th grade. Michelle moved to NY in 9th grade, but Chelsea, Natalie and I went the same high school drifting in and out of each others lives at various points, but not being especially close. Chelsea the least of all involved in our lives lives in Seattle, and she and I have gotten together a couple times when I go to visit Nathan...its essentially due to her pushing and passion that the 4 of us are meeting up together in LA. Super Super excited.
7. Jesus is pushing me. I can feel it. Every day the challenge grows stronger to follow him, because he is asking more of me. Which is good, because I have drifted for so long. I am making steps to be more intentional about my relationship with him. To seek him in the daily, I just receive 2 speeding tickets this last week...something I have been considering to learn from the that...is that there are boundaries, margins, lines that I fudge, lines that I push again, one office had mercy on me, one did not...the Lord has had mercy on me hugely...but I am risking a lot pushing the lines. I got together last week with one of my old bosses and he just asked me...it is between you and the Lord, as to how faithful you have been, I have been asking myself, how faithful have I been?
Faithfulness, how faithful have I been?
I am working on it...which just means things will continue to challenge me...
1. Received notice today that the house we rent is going to be going on the housing market in about a month...kind of praying that it will just be one the market for a year or so...we have a lot going on at the house right now, one of the roommates is really going to be freaking out about this.
2. I decided to quit the church job finally...and by quit I mean put in my month notice...but a huge weight off of my heart and mind because of it.
3. I have signed up for a personal trainer for some sessions, I need to kick it into gear...I think that is part of the reason things have been so off.
4. The boyfriend and I are discussing breaking up or moving closer together...amidst all of this, I am having a hard time believing that he loves me. Yes, we've been together a year, but the long distance is taking its toll. I am feeling as though I am the one willing to make the big sacrifices, and since he is not, I do not feel like he loves me as he claims.
5. Quitting the church job is going to allow me to really involve myself in the church I have begun attending. I am quite excited for this, to face the challenge of getting to know other Christians and share life with them.
6. I just purchased a ticket to LA for the end of may. There is a group of 4 of us ladies who have been friends since 6th grade. Michelle moved to NY in 9th grade, but Chelsea, Natalie and I went the same high school drifting in and out of each others lives at various points, but not being especially close. Chelsea the least of all involved in our lives lives in Seattle, and she and I have gotten together a couple times when I go to visit Nathan...its essentially due to her pushing and passion that the 4 of us are meeting up together in LA. Super Super excited.
7. Jesus is pushing me. I can feel it. Every day the challenge grows stronger to follow him, because he is asking more of me. Which is good, because I have drifted for so long. I am making steps to be more intentional about my relationship with him. To seek him in the daily, I just receive 2 speeding tickets this last week...something I have been considering to learn from the that...is that there are boundaries, margins, lines that I fudge, lines that I push again, one office had mercy on me, one did not...the Lord has had mercy on me hugely...but I am risking a lot pushing the lines. I got together last week with one of my old bosses and he just asked me...it is between you and the Lord, as to how faithful you have been, I have been asking myself, how faithful have I been?
Faithfulness, how faithful have I been?
I am working on it...which just means things will continue to challenge me...
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