What to do...

stuck in a bit of a dilemma today. What does one do in this situation? Is it possible to completely adore some one who does not care for you in return? Yes. It is, we see it every day. And in some circumstances, I would say, stay with them, keeping going. But in others I would say, well, perhaps it is time to go.

I really wish that God would have given men and women the same "curse" when we disobeyed. I think this is where much of the problem stems from. Women are to long for their husbands, which doesn't sound like a curse initially, but eventually, when the man is focused else where and the woman is still dwelling on her man, it can become painful, the different perspectives...

I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be woed and adored and thought of and longed for. And instead I get ignored and hushed and brought around when comfortable. This is only my second real boyfriend. I've made the mistake of being in "non-commital" relationships, which just mens the guy wanted to have his cake and eat it too and I was too hurt and stubborn to demand that I deserved better. . .

I often use to tell my friend Jenna that we women make ourselves feel bad enough about ourselves as it is, without being in a dating relationship that made us feel bad...

I am so lonely these days. Which is probably good because it is making me cry out to Christ more than I have in a long time...ah, the jealousy of our God. In the same regard, it reminds me of all of my fears about myself. That guys like me because I am good and sweet and because they should, not because they actually like Me. Not many friends here in Colorado. No one to be broken with or feel safe around. I must keep up the exterior because no one here could handle it falling to pieces......

Christmas

The rustling of legos as my niece and nephew struggle to build a house together. My silent brother in law reading his new theology books. My happy sister putting together dessert and preparing tea. I miss my boyfriend tonight.

I love Christmas Eve. I love being cozy and safe with those I love. I love that my sister doesn't mind that I can't cook and is simply happy to have me eat her tasty food and do our dishes in lou of cooking. Boyfriend is in Seattle by himself again this Christmas, and that breaks my heart a little. While I will be working tomorrow at least I have the option of being with family before and after.

Super Ill today. I rarely get sick, but I've been running a fever of 102 and aching in more ways than I thought possible. I cried last night as I called my mom to tell her. I am exhausted and my body knows it.

Lord, your birthday often affects me more than your death. The humility into which you came into this world... Lord, You are so precious. and I forget to be thankful for your humility instead of just your law and judgement...Thank you Jesus for coming.

Cracks...

Its happening...the breaking.
I was in a massage today and a Christmas song came on. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I want a Billings Christmas... I want to walk into the doors of Faith Evangelical Church and be handed a candle with a cardboard holder. I want to relax at home with my mom and dad, I want to dash out the door and meet up with my friends from high school who are getting married and having babies, I want to be surrounded by people who know me. I want to be hugged, but not on this superficial level. I want to be hugged by the people who can see the distress and pain in my eyes. I want to fall apart in some one's arms. It took a year and a half, but I am finally dry. I am parched. How long has it been since I've worshiped at the top of my lungs, and been fed by the words of Christ spoken around me. How long has it been since I've had people KNOW me, let them in...I am so afraid right now. And I have no one to share my fears with. I just keep burrying. It is almost laughable when people comment on how calm I always am...thats because I've learned to stuff every emotion except that which is "acceptable", the good, cheery, and supportive Becca. Fears: Job, Relationships, Family, God. These things that are what make up our moments...and no one knows how horrified I am.

I cried all the way home from work today...not this bawling noisy wetness, but the slow seeping of tears because I have too much going on to break.