What do you hear when the word love is said?...
Is it Lauryn Hills first track on her "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" CD...you know, when the kids are chanting Love, Love....
Is it Alfalfa from the Little Rascels singing "L- is for the way you look at me, O- is for the only one I see,..."
Lately, what I hear when I hear that word is not a song at all... "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude. It keeps no record for wrongs...it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,...love never fails."
The "L-word" as I have been referring to it lately. Almost afraid to mention it aloud...love.
The "L-word" was said to me this last week in a way that it has never been said to me before...well, that's not completely true, I've gotten the drunken phone calls from boyfriends and ex-es proclaiming to feel the "L-word" for me...but this time, this was different...
Love, when you just can't keep from sharing it...but what does it mean, why say it aloud, is it necessary to say Love aloud...I am shocked...shocked....by love, the feeling the intent the desire.
Jesus is love. He who knows Christ, knows love. I know love. I know love that shakes me and impassions me and holds me Him as my guide, He is love and beyond him, there is none other.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Haiti
I can't tear my eyes away from the tv and other media these days. I talk with Jesus about this sense of helplessness I feel, this sense of hopelessness and frustration at the condition that Haiti is in... I was frustrated enough 3 years ago when I was there. I spent 2 weeks there...and it was heart breaking then to see the condition of this country and these people....
....and NOW? Really? I am just in disbelief. The country needed help years ago!
I think about it...what am I doing? It is times like this that I wish I had more useful skills other than making coffee and massaging...nursing, engineering, body builder, maybe I should have married that sugar daddy years ago and I could have shipped all our money to Haiti...
It is difficult to remember that it is not my skills that make the difference in times like this. It is the Lord, and the Lord is there in Haiti, I have seen and experienced him there with his children there...it is just so hard to imagine all of those children in so much pain and dying...I praise the Lord that they are still finding survivors...
Our Father, who is in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven...
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass again us
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory FOREVER.
Amen
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
What to do...
stuck in a bit of a dilemma today. What does one do in this situation? Is it possible to completely adore some one who does not care for you in return? Yes. It is, we see it every day. And in some circumstances, I would say, stay with them, keeping going. But in others I would say, well, perhaps it is time to go.
I really wish that God would have given men and women the same "curse" when we disobeyed. I think this is where much of the problem stems from. Women are to long for their husbands, which doesn't sound like a curse initially, but eventually, when the man is focused else where and the woman is still dwelling on her man, it can become painful, the different perspectives...
I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be woed and adored and thought of and longed for. And instead I get ignored and hushed and brought around when comfortable. This is only my second real boyfriend. I've made the mistake of being in "non-commital" relationships, which just mens the guy wanted to have his cake and eat it too and I was too hurt and stubborn to demand that I deserved better. . .
I often use to tell my friend Jenna that we women make ourselves feel bad enough about ourselves as it is, without being in a dating relationship that made us feel bad...
I am so lonely these days. Which is probably good because it is making me cry out to Christ more than I have in a long time...ah, the jealousy of our God. In the same regard, it reminds me of all of my fears about myself. That guys like me because I am good and sweet and because they should, not because they actually like Me. Not many friends here in Colorado. No one to be broken with or feel safe around. I must keep up the exterior because no one here could handle it falling to pieces......
I really wish that God would have given men and women the same "curse" when we disobeyed. I think this is where much of the problem stems from. Women are to long for their husbands, which doesn't sound like a curse initially, but eventually, when the man is focused else where and the woman is still dwelling on her man, it can become painful, the different perspectives...
I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be woed and adored and thought of and longed for. And instead I get ignored and hushed and brought around when comfortable. This is only my second real boyfriend. I've made the mistake of being in "non-commital" relationships, which just mens the guy wanted to have his cake and eat it too and I was too hurt and stubborn to demand that I deserved better. . .
I often use to tell my friend Jenna that we women make ourselves feel bad enough about ourselves as it is, without being in a dating relationship that made us feel bad...
I am so lonely these days. Which is probably good because it is making me cry out to Christ more than I have in a long time...ah, the jealousy of our God. In the same regard, it reminds me of all of my fears about myself. That guys like me because I am good and sweet and because they should, not because they actually like Me. Not many friends here in Colorado. No one to be broken with or feel safe around. I must keep up the exterior because no one here could handle it falling to pieces......
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas
The rustling of legos as my niece and nephew struggle to build a house together. My silent brother in law reading his new theology books. My happy sister putting together dessert and preparing tea. I miss my boyfriend tonight.
I love Christmas Eve. I love being cozy and safe with those I love. I love that my sister doesn't mind that I can't cook and is simply happy to have me eat her tasty food and do our dishes in lou of cooking. Boyfriend is in Seattle by himself again this Christmas, and that breaks my heart a little. While I will be working tomorrow at least I have the option of being with family before and after.
Super Ill today. I rarely get sick, but I've been running a fever of 102 and aching in more ways than I thought possible. I cried last night as I called my mom to tell her. I am exhausted and my body knows it.
Lord, your birthday often affects me more than your death. The humility into which you came into this world... Lord, You are so precious. and I forget to be thankful for your humility instead of just your law and judgement...Thank you Jesus for coming.
I love Christmas Eve. I love being cozy and safe with those I love. I love that my sister doesn't mind that I can't cook and is simply happy to have me eat her tasty food and do our dishes in lou of cooking. Boyfriend is in Seattle by himself again this Christmas, and that breaks my heart a little. While I will be working tomorrow at least I have the option of being with family before and after.
Super Ill today. I rarely get sick, but I've been running a fever of 102 and aching in more ways than I thought possible. I cried last night as I called my mom to tell her. I am exhausted and my body knows it.
Lord, your birthday often affects me more than your death. The humility into which you came into this world... Lord, You are so precious. and I forget to be thankful for your humility instead of just your law and judgement...Thank you Jesus for coming.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Cracks...
Its happening...the breaking.
I was in a massage today and a Christmas song came on. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I want a Billings Christmas... I want to walk into the doors of Faith Evangelical Church and be handed a candle with a cardboard holder. I want to relax at home with my mom and dad, I want to dash out the door and meet up with my friends from high school who are getting married and having babies, I want to be surrounded by people who know me. I want to be hugged, but not on this superficial level. I want to be hugged by the people who can see the distress and pain in my eyes. I want to fall apart in some one's arms. It took a year and a half, but I am finally dry. I am parched. How long has it been since I've worshiped at the top of my lungs, and been fed by the words of Christ spoken around me. How long has it been since I've had people KNOW me, let them in...I am so afraid right now. And I have no one to share my fears with. I just keep burrying. It is almost laughable when people comment on how calm I always am...thats because I've learned to stuff every emotion except that which is "acceptable", the good, cheery, and supportive Becca. Fears: Job, Relationships, Family, God. These things that are what make up our moments...and no one knows how horrified I am.
I cried all the way home from work today...not this bawling noisy wetness, but the slow seeping of tears because I have too much going on to break.
I was in a massage today and a Christmas song came on. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I want a Billings Christmas... I want to walk into the doors of Faith Evangelical Church and be handed a candle with a cardboard holder. I want to relax at home with my mom and dad, I want to dash out the door and meet up with my friends from high school who are getting married and having babies, I want to be surrounded by people who know me. I want to be hugged, but not on this superficial level. I want to be hugged by the people who can see the distress and pain in my eyes. I want to fall apart in some one's arms. It took a year and a half, but I am finally dry. I am parched. How long has it been since I've worshiped at the top of my lungs, and been fed by the words of Christ spoken around me. How long has it been since I've had people KNOW me, let them in...I am so afraid right now. And I have no one to share my fears with. I just keep burrying. It is almost laughable when people comment on how calm I always am...thats because I've learned to stuff every emotion except that which is "acceptable", the good, cheery, and supportive Becca. Fears: Job, Relationships, Family, God. These things that are what make up our moments...and no one knows how horrified I am.
I cried all the way home from work today...not this bawling noisy wetness, but the slow seeping of tears because I have too much going on to break.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Surreal
I know that we go to school for a reason, we start out with this big plan, an idea of what we hope to get when we are done. But does it really happen. I have had a very surreal experience the last few days. I am now a Certified Massage Therapist. I am a MT at a Spa called Spavia. In the last 2 days I have been able to massage 10 people...does this really happen...
I was in tears on the way to work my first day...I am on my way to my job, where they will pay me to massage people...This has been a goal for nearly 5 years...My senior year of high school, I began thinking about being a massage therapist. Now, 6 years later I am there. How many people get this opportunity? How many friends do I know that hate what they do. That are wandering around...now I guess I begin my wandering. Jesus has been so gracious to me.
Think about it friends, everyday we get to encounter people...and have the opportunity to help or hinder their day...to help them know the love and grace of Christ or deter them from it.
Ha, had a bugger of a time getting signed in to blog today...hopefully next time it won't be so long...
I was in tears on the way to work my first day...I am on my way to my job, where they will pay me to massage people...This has been a goal for nearly 5 years...My senior year of high school, I began thinking about being a massage therapist. Now, 6 years later I am there. How many people get this opportunity? How many friends do I know that hate what they do. That are wandering around...now I guess I begin my wandering. Jesus has been so gracious to me.
Think about it friends, everyday we get to encounter people...and have the opportunity to help or hinder their day...to help them know the love and grace of Christ or deter them from it.
Ha, had a bugger of a time getting signed in to blog today...hopefully next time it won't be so long...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
14,000 Things To Be Happy About
My friend Jazlyn once introduced me to this fabulous and probably frivilous book called "14,000 Things To Be Happy About". It was a very dense book that listed endlessly all the little things in the day that could possibly make one smile...I often give this book as gifts to people. I use to mark on one page a day all the things listed there that I recognized as making me happy. And today, I need to be reminded, listed below is a excerpt from the book...
*I've edited in the parenthesis a thought or memory to add*
the pleasure of remembering great and beautiful things that we cannot lose and the pleasure of sharing them with others
the metronome of rain ( For Cheryl Sinz)
a broad stand-up desk
sipping a margarita and listening to Mozart ( For Kelsie)
graspable directions
a sanctuary from everyday life (Mike and Mary Gammill)
a video you watch together
the guy on the ski jump wiping out during the opening credits of ABC's Wide World of Sports
mild rock concerts
rich and ruddy complexions
grilled nectarines (never had them, they sound nice)
the education and culture to appreciate a quiet place
a little dirt road zigzagging off in search of adventure (1/2 hour outside of Casper in the middle of the night)
Pablo Picasso
trying out the new sled
shower karaoke
licking a stamp (No, really, I really love this taste, I think it comes from being a postman's daughter)
artwork on the walls
pound cake
singing in the back seat
animals I've never seen before (Chinchilla)
writing poetry that no one will see ( For Noah, For Me, For the Youth Girls)
giving a party
the countdown to Christmas
doing something unusual in order to get someone's attention (Once some one fell with a huge tray of plastic glasses full of water. I was a junior higher and it was a leader who recognized the need to snap me out of my strange awkward stupor)
generosity (For whoever paid for me to make it to New York my senior year)
a treehouse fort, hideout, tent, shed, or playhouse
looking through a kaleidoscope
See. Don't you feel better. I do.:0)'
*I've edited in the parenthesis a thought or memory to add*
the pleasure of remembering great and beautiful things that we cannot lose and the pleasure of sharing them with others
the metronome of rain ( For Cheryl Sinz)
a broad stand-up desk
sipping a margarita and listening to Mozart ( For Kelsie)
graspable directions
a sanctuary from everyday life (Mike and Mary Gammill)
a video you watch together
the guy on the ski jump wiping out during the opening credits of ABC's Wide World of Sports
mild rock concerts
rich and ruddy complexions
grilled nectarines (never had them, they sound nice)
the education and culture to appreciate a quiet place
a little dirt road zigzagging off in search of adventure (1/2 hour outside of Casper in the middle of the night)
Pablo Picasso
trying out the new sled
shower karaoke
licking a stamp (No, really, I really love this taste, I think it comes from being a postman's daughter)
artwork on the walls
pound cake
singing in the back seat
animals I've never seen before (Chinchilla)
writing poetry that no one will see ( For Noah, For Me, For the Youth Girls)
giving a party
the countdown to Christmas
doing something unusual in order to get someone's attention (Once some one fell with a huge tray of plastic glasses full of water. I was a junior higher and it was a leader who recognized the need to snap me out of my strange awkward stupor)
generosity (For whoever paid for me to make it to New York my senior year)
a treehouse fort, hideout, tent, shed, or playhouse
looking through a kaleidoscope
See. Don't you feel better. I do.:0)'
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