Wow. It has been over a year and a half since I have blogged. Lets give a brief rundown.
July: Nathan and I broke up. It was peaceful. He and I were no longer able to put in the effort for long distance.
August - December 2010: Dated another man long distance who lived in Switzerland. What a disaster.
October-December 2010: Tried unsuccessfully to not like a co-worker's brother while dating some one else long distance. Miserable fail.
December 2010: Broke off with the Swiss man.
January 2011: Began dating the man who is now my fiance, Jeffrey Manning, the co-workers brother.
August 2011: Became engaged.
While the last year and a half, and really, the last 3 years of dating, has been a long haul of learning about myself and what it is that I really really REALLy need in a relationship. I have learned to want someone to know me and trust them that they love me. I think I really was great with being in a long distance relationship. Because at the end of the day, if it didn't work out, it could be blamed on them not knowing me, or because of the distance or because of bad communication. Jeff wants to know me in the here and now. Jeff sees my everyday face and attitude and apparently still loves me. It is the most redemptive relationship I have ever been in, other than the one that is with Christ.
Even now I tear up just thinking about it. Jeff has helped me to be brave and wise and kind. He helped give me the courage to talk to my parents about the parts of me that they never knew about and that I'd sworn they never would. He has opened his arms and shown me love and acceptance while sharing the most shameful parts of my existence. I have never thought anyone would love me if they knew me and all of my gross wrong willful choices...but he does.
Why am I blogging again? Because I miss it. I was reading a former students blog this morning, and it made me realize how dull I have been feeling, because I feel like I have been trying to just get so much done, with relationships, and the wedding and finances and work. And I feel dull.
I miss writing.
I miss reading the scriptures and ruminating on them.
I miss doing youth ministry.
I miss praying.
I want to do these things more. I want to be viberant and lively and passionate about so much more than "just getting things done."
Hopefully this is a good start to the process.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Authority
So things have been changing alot lately with my job at Starbucks. Our beloved boss lady moved to California with her dear husband. Thus, we have been on the hunt for a manager for about 1.5 months. We've all banded together to hold the store together and pull our weight....This week our new manager started...and there have been a bit of issues amongst some of the other staff members...and I'll admit, I have a hard time relinquishing hold of things that I value...on the other hand, its JUST coffee...and its JUST things that we have always done, but its not the law or the rule or the standard, its coffee...You know, the usual middle management issues arise, the manager coming down on us, because her DM is coming down on her...and so on and so forth.
I have had to really think about my thoughts on authority...I really like having a manager...and strange as it may seem...I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing, I explained it to another manager who was asking how it was going this way. I think of it the way I think about the presidency. I may not agree with how he does things, however, IIII am not seeking the presidency, I don't want to be president, I don't want the pain in the ass that it would be to try and run a country and a congress and a house...and by run, I mean combine and cooridinate and compromise with over 100 people who represent over a billion people...In manager terms, I have been talked to about moving up in Starbucks, I have been offered ASM positions, but I decline them, because I don't want the responsibility. Bravo, to those who step up and try to run a coffee shop, a place of joy and comfort and accord...I can't think that no matter what I think of the tangible changes, that the new manager is trying to do anything other than run an efficient and friendly store. In spiritual terms, she is the authority over me. And I can trust that, because God has allowed it. He is offering to me a new person to show Christ to, a new person with whom to try and please if only to glorify my father in heaven...am I flexible, do I see the bigger picture or am I going to focus on the "light and momentary troubles" because lets face it, its a coffee shop. One I love, one that contains co-workers I love and pray for and push for, customers that I am concerned about and want to succeed...but its a coffee shop, change the tangibles, when the authorities above me start telling me that I have to stop loving co-workers, and customers, and praying for success...then maybe I'll start bucking authority. But for now, its a coffee shop, and the tangibles are changing, and can respect the authority that God allows over me.
I have had to really think about my thoughts on authority...I really like having a manager...and strange as it may seem...I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing, I explained it to another manager who was asking how it was going this way. I think of it the way I think about the presidency. I may not agree with how he does things, however, IIII am not seeking the presidency, I don't want to be president, I don't want the pain in the ass that it would be to try and run a country and a congress and a house...and by run, I mean combine and cooridinate and compromise with over 100 people who represent over a billion people...In manager terms, I have been talked to about moving up in Starbucks, I have been offered ASM positions, but I decline them, because I don't want the responsibility. Bravo, to those who step up and try to run a coffee shop, a place of joy and comfort and accord...I can't think that no matter what I think of the tangible changes, that the new manager is trying to do anything other than run an efficient and friendly store. In spiritual terms, she is the authority over me. And I can trust that, because God has allowed it. He is offering to me a new person to show Christ to, a new person with whom to try and please if only to glorify my father in heaven...am I flexible, do I see the bigger picture or am I going to focus on the "light and momentary troubles" because lets face it, its a coffee shop. One I love, one that contains co-workers I love and pray for and push for, customers that I am concerned about and want to succeed...but its a coffee shop, change the tangibles, when the authorities above me start telling me that I have to stop loving co-workers, and customers, and praying for success...then maybe I'll start bucking authority. But for now, its a coffee shop, and the tangibles are changing, and can respect the authority that God allows over me.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Burned my hand, scarred my heart
Been having a tough time lately. The times that I am alone. I look around and wonder how I got here. If I were looking at my life from the outsiders perspective, what would I think, what advice would I give.
Was the gym the other day and a Ludicrious song came on...I was doing weights and I had to get up, go to the locker room and have a nice break down on the concrete floor. Ludicrious is not known for his powerful lyrics nor his moving ballads. No, this was a song telling the hearer that he was going to break their heart. My heart has never recovered from the damage the I walked into 2 1/2 years ago. I keep going back and trying to figure out how to get back on track, how to retain that joy, that innocense that I gave up because I thought I wanted other, the peace I smothered out because I thought it was being threatened...
I know my blog has taken a turn, but I don't think that it is a bad thing...draw close to the Lord and he will draw close to you. But the light that he shines on the dark places...I don't know how to clean up the messes. I don't know how to give them up, I just curl up in a ball and suppress myself. How could I? How could I? Is the question that echos as I shut him out.
Was the gym the other day and a Ludicrious song came on...I was doing weights and I had to get up, go to the locker room and have a nice break down on the concrete floor. Ludicrious is not known for his powerful lyrics nor his moving ballads. No, this was a song telling the hearer that he was going to break their heart. My heart has never recovered from the damage the I walked into 2 1/2 years ago. I keep going back and trying to figure out how to get back on track, how to retain that joy, that innocense that I gave up because I thought I wanted other, the peace I smothered out because I thought it was being threatened...
I know my blog has taken a turn, but I don't think that it is a bad thing...draw close to the Lord and he will draw close to you. But the light that he shines on the dark places...I don't know how to clean up the messes. I don't know how to give them up, I just curl up in a ball and suppress myself. How could I? How could I? Is the question that echos as I shut him out.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Unsure
I think things are slipping. I find myself ansy with the quiet...my mind will not quit. When I stop and am alone in the quiet, the fears overwhelm me, and its not the fear of the unknown. Its the fear of things being always the same. Am I taking time off just to be thrown away? I can feel the shift, the uncare, the neglect and I can't decide if it is so he is protected or if it is just the natural movement. If only we had had the discussion about the "L" word before it was said. The "L" word is not to be used in a desperate attempt to sway someone or to convince them. The "L" word is used to inform and exude...it is not last ditch's effort to maintain. So I write and I blog and I watch and try to experience because with the quiet I am left with the ache of longing for something that will not be obtained nor can it be asked for nor bought nor traded. It can only be bestowed in the humblest of moments in the most willing of weaknesses. The frusterating thing is knowing the men that they could be, the men that we as women catch glimpses of...the men that they simply choose not to be out of fear and selfish ambition. The point being brought up of timing. And yes, I understand and see the error of timing, but I do not feel as though it is my call to make. Even in this, being hurt, it must be his decision to stop, at least forcing some movement of manhood choices, or empathy for what is occuring...i can feel things slipping.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day Off
Having a hard time these days... update on what is going on...some good, some bad...
1. Received notice today that the house we rent is going to be going on the housing market in about a month...kind of praying that it will just be one the market for a year or so...we have a lot going on at the house right now, one of the roommates is really going to be freaking out about this.
2. I decided to quit the church job finally...and by quit I mean put in my month notice...but a huge weight off of my heart and mind because of it.
3. I have signed up for a personal trainer for some sessions, I need to kick it into gear...I think that is part of the reason things have been so off.
4. The boyfriend and I are discussing breaking up or moving closer together...amidst all of this, I am having a hard time believing that he loves me. Yes, we've been together a year, but the long distance is taking its toll. I am feeling as though I am the one willing to make the big sacrifices, and since he is not, I do not feel like he loves me as he claims.
5. Quitting the church job is going to allow me to really involve myself in the church I have begun attending. I am quite excited for this, to face the challenge of getting to know other Christians and share life with them.
6. I just purchased a ticket to LA for the end of may. There is a group of 4 of us ladies who have been friends since 6th grade. Michelle moved to NY in 9th grade, but Chelsea, Natalie and I went the same high school drifting in and out of each others lives at various points, but not being especially close. Chelsea the least of all involved in our lives lives in Seattle, and she and I have gotten together a couple times when I go to visit Nathan...its essentially due to her pushing and passion that the 4 of us are meeting up together in LA. Super Super excited.
7. Jesus is pushing me. I can feel it. Every day the challenge grows stronger to follow him, because he is asking more of me. Which is good, because I have drifted for so long. I am making steps to be more intentional about my relationship with him. To seek him in the daily, I just receive 2 speeding tickets this last week...something I have been considering to learn from the that...is that there are boundaries, margins, lines that I fudge, lines that I push again, one office had mercy on me, one did not...the Lord has had mercy on me hugely...but I am risking a lot pushing the lines. I got together last week with one of my old bosses and he just asked me...it is between you and the Lord, as to how faithful you have been, I have been asking myself, how faithful have I been?
Faithfulness, how faithful have I been?
I am working on it...which just means things will continue to challenge me...
1. Received notice today that the house we rent is going to be going on the housing market in about a month...kind of praying that it will just be one the market for a year or so...we have a lot going on at the house right now, one of the roommates is really going to be freaking out about this.
2. I decided to quit the church job finally...and by quit I mean put in my month notice...but a huge weight off of my heart and mind because of it.
3. I have signed up for a personal trainer for some sessions, I need to kick it into gear...I think that is part of the reason things have been so off.
4. The boyfriend and I are discussing breaking up or moving closer together...amidst all of this, I am having a hard time believing that he loves me. Yes, we've been together a year, but the long distance is taking its toll. I am feeling as though I am the one willing to make the big sacrifices, and since he is not, I do not feel like he loves me as he claims.
5. Quitting the church job is going to allow me to really involve myself in the church I have begun attending. I am quite excited for this, to face the challenge of getting to know other Christians and share life with them.
6. I just purchased a ticket to LA for the end of may. There is a group of 4 of us ladies who have been friends since 6th grade. Michelle moved to NY in 9th grade, but Chelsea, Natalie and I went the same high school drifting in and out of each others lives at various points, but not being especially close. Chelsea the least of all involved in our lives lives in Seattle, and she and I have gotten together a couple times when I go to visit Nathan...its essentially due to her pushing and passion that the 4 of us are meeting up together in LA. Super Super excited.
7. Jesus is pushing me. I can feel it. Every day the challenge grows stronger to follow him, because he is asking more of me. Which is good, because I have drifted for so long. I am making steps to be more intentional about my relationship with him. To seek him in the daily, I just receive 2 speeding tickets this last week...something I have been considering to learn from the that...is that there are boundaries, margins, lines that I fudge, lines that I push again, one office had mercy on me, one did not...the Lord has had mercy on me hugely...but I am risking a lot pushing the lines. I got together last week with one of my old bosses and he just asked me...it is between you and the Lord, as to how faithful you have been, I have been asking myself, how faithful have I been?
Faithfulness, how faithful have I been?
I am working on it...which just means things will continue to challenge me...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Love...
What do you hear when the word love is said?...
Is it Lauryn Hills first track on her "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" CD...you know, when the kids are chanting Love, Love....
Is it Alfalfa from the Little Rascels singing "L- is for the way you look at me, O- is for the only one I see,..."
Lately, what I hear when I hear that word is not a song at all... "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude. It keeps no record for wrongs...it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,...love never fails."
The "L-word" as I have been referring to it lately. Almost afraid to mention it aloud...love.
The "L-word" was said to me this last week in a way that it has never been said to me before...well, that's not completely true, I've gotten the drunken phone calls from boyfriends and ex-es proclaiming to feel the "L-word" for me...but this time, this was different...
Love, when you just can't keep from sharing it...but what does it mean, why say it aloud, is it necessary to say Love aloud...I am shocked...shocked....by love, the feeling the intent the desire.
Jesus is love. He who knows Christ, knows love. I know love. I know love that shakes me and impassions me and holds me Him as my guide, He is love and beyond him, there is none other.
Is it Lauryn Hills first track on her "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" CD...you know, when the kids are chanting Love, Love....
Is it Alfalfa from the Little Rascels singing "L- is for the way you look at me, O- is for the only one I see,..."
Lately, what I hear when I hear that word is not a song at all... "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude. It keeps no record for wrongs...it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,...love never fails."
The "L-word" as I have been referring to it lately. Almost afraid to mention it aloud...love.
The "L-word" was said to me this last week in a way that it has never been said to me before...well, that's not completely true, I've gotten the drunken phone calls from boyfriends and ex-es proclaiming to feel the "L-word" for me...but this time, this was different...
Love, when you just can't keep from sharing it...but what does it mean, why say it aloud, is it necessary to say Love aloud...I am shocked...shocked....by love, the feeling the intent the desire.
Jesus is love. He who knows Christ, knows love. I know love. I know love that shakes me and impassions me and holds me Him as my guide, He is love and beyond him, there is none other.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Haiti
I can't tear my eyes away from the tv and other media these days. I talk with Jesus about this sense of helplessness I feel, this sense of hopelessness and frustration at the condition that Haiti is in... I was frustrated enough 3 years ago when I was there. I spent 2 weeks there...and it was heart breaking then to see the condition of this country and these people....
....and NOW? Really? I am just in disbelief. The country needed help years ago!
I think about it...what am I doing? It is times like this that I wish I had more useful skills other than making coffee and massaging...nursing, engineering, body builder, maybe I should have married that sugar daddy years ago and I could have shipped all our money to Haiti...
It is difficult to remember that it is not my skills that make the difference in times like this. It is the Lord, and the Lord is there in Haiti, I have seen and experienced him there with his children there...it is just so hard to imagine all of those children in so much pain and dying...I praise the Lord that they are still finding survivors...
Our Father, who is in heaven,
Hallowed be your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven...
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass again us
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory FOREVER.
Amen
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