Bec

2011-12-16T06:06:00.000-08:00

Wow. It has been over a year and a half since I have blogged. Lets give a brief rundown.
July: Nathan and I broke up. It was peaceful. He and I were no longer able to put in the effort for long distance.
August - December 2010: Dated another man long distance who lived in Switzerland. What a disaster.
October-December 2010: Tried unsuccessfully to not like a co-worker's brother while dating some one else long distance. Miserable fail.
December 2010: Broke off with the Swiss man.
January 2011: Began dating the man who is now my fiance, Jeffrey Manning, the co-workers brother.
August 2011: Became engaged.

While the last year and a half, and really, the last 3 years of dating, has been a long haul of learning about myself and what it is that I really really REALLy need in a relationship. I have learned to want someone to know me and trust them that they love me. I think I really was great with being in a long distance relationship. Because at the end of the day, if it didn't work out, it could be blamed on them not knowing me, or because of the distance or because of bad communication. Jeff wants to know me in the here and now. Jeff sees my everyday face and attitude and apparently still loves me. It is the most redemptive relationship I have ever been in, other than the one that is with Christ.

Even now I tear up just thinking about it. Jeff has helped me to be brave and wise and kind. He helped give me the courage to talk to my parents about the parts of me that they never knew about and that I'd sworn they never would. He has opened his arms and shown me love and acceptance while sharing the most shameful parts of my existence. I have never thought anyone would love me if they knew me and all of my gross wrong willful choices...but he does.

Why am I blogging again? Because I miss it. I was reading a former students blog this morning, and it made me realize how dull I have been feeling, because I feel like I have been trying to just get so much done, with relationships, and the wedding and finances and work. And I feel dull.

I miss writing.
I miss reading the scriptures and ruminating on them.
I miss doing youth ministry.
I miss praying.

I want to do these things more. I want to be viberant and lively and passionate about so much more than "just getting things done."

Hopefully this is a good start to the process.

Authority

2010-06-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

So things have been changing alot lately with my job at Starbucks. Our beloved boss lady moved to California with her dear husband. Thus, we have been on the hunt for a manager for about 1.5 months. We've all banded together to hold the store together and pull our weight....This week our new manager started...and there have been a bit of issues amongst some of the other staff members...and I'll admit, I have a hard time relinquishing hold of things that I value...on the other hand, its JUST coffee...and its JUST things that we have always done, but its not the law or the rule or the standard, its coffee...You know, the usual middle management issues arise, the manager coming down on us, because her DM is coming down on her...and so on and so forth.

I have had to really think about my thoughts on authority...I really like having a manager...and strange as it may seem...I trust that the Lord knows what he is doing, I explained it to another manager who was asking how it was going this way. I think of it the way I think about the presidency. I may not agree with how he does things, however, IIII am not seeking the presidency, I don't want to be president, I don't want the pain in the ass that it would be to try and run a country and a congress and a house...and by run, I mean combine and cooridinate and compromise with over 100 people who represent over a billion people...In manager terms, I have been talked to about moving up in Starbucks, I have been offered ASM positions, but I decline them, because I don't want the responsibility. Bravo, to those who step up and try to run a coffee shop, a place of joy and comfort and accord...I can't think that no matter what I think of the tangible changes, that the new manager is trying to do anything other than run an efficient and friendly store. In spiritual terms, she is the authority over me. And I can trust that, because God has allowed it. He is offering to me a new person to show Christ to, a new person with whom to try and please if only to glorify my father in heaven...am I flexible, do I see the bigger picture or am I going to focus on the "light and momentary troubles" because lets face it, its a coffee shop. One I love, one that contains co-workers I love and pray for and push for, customers that I am concerned about and want to succeed...but its a coffee shop, change the tangibles, when the authorities above me start telling me that I have to stop loving co-workers, and customers, and praying for success...then maybe I'll start bucking authority. But for now, its a coffee shop, and the tangibles are changing, and can respect the authority that God allows over me.

Burned my hand, scarred my heart

2010-04-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Been having a tough time lately. The times that I am alone. I look around and wonder how I got here. If I were looking at my life from the outsiders perspective, what would I think, what advice would I give.
Was the gym the other day and a Ludicrious song came on...I was doing weights and I had to get up, go to the locker room and have a nice break down on the concrete floor. Ludicrious is not known for his powerful lyrics nor his moving ballads. No, this was a song telling the hearer that he was going to break their heart. My heart has never recovered from the damage the I walked into 2 1/2 years ago. I keep going back and trying to figure out how to get back on track, how to retain that joy, that innocense that I gave up because I thought I wanted other, the peace I smothered out because I thought it was being threatened...
I know my blog has taken a turn, but I don't think that it is a bad thing...draw close to the Lord and he will draw close to you. But the light that he shines on the dark places...I don't know how to clean up the messes. I don't know how to give them up, I just curl up in a ball and suppress myself. How could I? How could I? Is the question that echos as I shut him out.

Unsure

2010-03-22T17:38:00.001-07:00

I think things are slipping. I find myself ansy with the quiet...my mind will not quit. When I stop and am alone in the quiet, the fears overwhelm me, and its not the fear of the unknown. Its the fear of things being always the same. Am I taking time off just to be thrown away? I can feel the shift, the uncare, the neglect and I can't decide if it is so he is protected or if it is just the natural movement. If only we had had the discussion about the "L" word before it was said. The "L" word is not to be used in a desperate attempt to sway someone or to convince them. The "L" word is used to inform and exude...it is not last ditch's effort to maintain. So I write and I blog and I watch and try to experience because with the quiet I am left with the ache of longing for something that will not be obtained nor can it be asked for nor bought nor traded. It can only be bestowed in the humblest of moments in the most willing of weaknesses. The frusterating thing is knowing the men that they could be, the men that we as women catch glimpses of...the men that they simply choose not to be out of fear and selfish ambition. The point being brought up of timing. And yes, I understand and see the error of timing, but I do not feel as though it is my call to make. Even in this, being hurt, it must be his decision to stop, at least forcing some movement of manhood choices, or empathy for what is occuring...i can feel things slipping.

Day Off

2010-03-17T13:38:00.001-07:00

Having a hard time these days... update on what is going on...some good, some bad...

1. Received notice today that the house we rent is going to be going on the housing market in about a month...kind of praying that it will just be one the market for a year or so...we have a lot going on at the house right now, one of the roommates is really going to be freaking out about this.
2. I decided to quit the church job finally...and by quit I mean put in my month notice...but a huge weight off of my heart and mind because of it.
3. I have signed up for a personal trainer for some sessions, I need to kick it into gear...I think that is part of the reason things have been so off.
4. The boyfriend and I are discussing breaking up or moving closer together...amidst all of this, I am having a hard time believing that he loves me. Yes, we've been together a year, but the long distance is taking its toll. I am feeling as though I am the one willing to make the big sacrifices, and since he is not, I do not feel like he loves me as he claims.
5. Quitting the church job is going to allow me to really involve myself in the church I have begun attending. I am quite excited for this, to face the challenge of getting to know other Christians and share life with them.
6. I just purchased a ticket to LA for the end of may. There is a group of 4 of us ladies who have been friends since 6th grade. Michelle moved to NY in 9th grade, but Chelsea, Natalie and I went the same high school drifting in and out of each others lives at various points, but not being especially close. Chelsea the least of all involved in our lives lives in Seattle, and she and I have gotten together a couple times when I go to visit Nathan...its essentially due to her pushing and passion that the 4 of us are meeting up together in LA. Super Super excited.
7. Jesus is pushing me. I can feel it. Every day the challenge grows stronger to follow him, because he is asking more of me. Which is good, because I have drifted for so long. I am making steps to be more intentional about my relationship with him. To seek him in the daily, I just receive 2 speeding tickets this last week...something I have been considering to learn from the that...is that there are boundaries, margins, lines that I fudge, lines that I push again, one office had mercy on me, one did not...the Lord has had mercy on me hugely...but I am risking a lot pushing the lines. I got together last week with one of my old bosses and he just asked me...it is between you and the Lord, as to how faithful you have been, I have been asking myself, how faithful have I been?

Faithfulness, how faithful have I been?

I am working on it...which just means things will continue to challenge me...

Love...

2010-02-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

What do you hear when the word love is said?...

Is it Lauryn Hills first track on her "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" CD...you know, when the kids are chanting Love, Love....

Is it Alfalfa from the Little Rascels singing "L- is for the way you look at me, O- is for the only one I see,..."

Lately, what I hear when I hear that word is not a song at all... "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude. It keeps no record for wrongs...it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,...love never fails."

The "L-word" as I have been referring to it lately. Almost afraid to mention it aloud...love.

The "L-word" was said to me this last week in a way that it has never been said to me before...well, that's not completely true, I've gotten the drunken phone calls from boyfriends and ex-es proclaiming to feel the "L-word" for me...but this time, this was different...

Love, when you just can't keep from sharing it...but what does it mean, why say it aloud, is it necessary to say Love aloud...I am shocked...shocked....by love, the feeling the intent the desire.

Jesus is love. He who knows Christ, knows love. I know love. I know love that shakes me and impassions me and holds me Him as my guide, He is love and beyond him, there is none other.

Haiti

2010-01-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

I can't tear my eyes away from the tv and other media these days. I talk with Jesus about this sense of helplessness I feel, this sense of hopelessness and frustration at the condition that Haiti is in... I was frustrated enough 3 years ago when I was there. I spent 2 weeks there...and it was heart breaking then to see the condition of this country and these people....

....and NOW? Really? I am just in disbelief. The country needed help years ago!

I think about it...what am I doing? It is times like this that I wish I had more useful skills other than making coffee and massaging...nursing, engineering, body builder, maybe I should have married that sugar daddy years ago and I could have shipped all our money to Haiti...

It is difficult to remember that it is not my skills that make the difference in times like this. It is the Lord, and the Lord is there in Haiti, I have seen and experienced him there with his children there...it is just so hard to imagine all of those children in so much pain and dying...I praise the Lord that they are still finding survivors...

Our Father, who is in heaven,

Hallowed be your name,

Your kingdom come,

Your will be done,

on earth as it is in Heaven...

Give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those who trespass again us

Lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory FOREVER.

Amen

What to do...

2009-12-30T12:57:00.000-08:00

stuck in a bit of a dilemma today. What does one do in this situation? Is it possible to completely adore some one who does not care for you in return? Yes. It is, we see it every day. And in some circumstances, I would say, stay with them, keeping going. But in others I would say, well, perhaps it is time to go.

I really wish that God would have given men and women the same "curse" when we disobeyed. I think this is where much of the problem stems from. Women are to long for their husbands, which doesn't sound like a curse initially, but eventually, when the man is focused else where and the woman is still dwelling on her man, it can become painful, the different perspectives...

I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be woed and adored and thought of and longed for. And instead I get ignored and hushed and brought around when comfortable. This is only my second real boyfriend. I've made the mistake of being in "non-commital" relationships, which just mens the guy wanted to have his cake and eat it too and I was too hurt and stubborn to demand that I deserved better. . .

I often use to tell my friend Jenna that we women make ourselves feel bad enough about ourselves as it is, without being in a dating relationship that made us feel bad...

I am so lonely these days. Which is probably good because it is making me cry out to Christ more than I have in a long time...ah, the jealousy of our God. In the same regard, it reminds me of all of my fears about myself. That guys like me because I am good and sweet and because they should, not because they actually like Me. Not many friends here in Colorado. No one to be broken with or feel safe around. I must keep up the exterior because no one here could handle it falling to pieces......

Christmas

2009-12-24T18:14:00.000-08:00

The rustling of legos as my niece and nephew struggle to build a house together. My silent brother in law reading his new theology books. My happy sister putting together dessert and preparing tea. I miss my boyfriend tonight.

I love Christmas Eve. I love being cozy and safe with those I love. I love that my sister doesn't mind that I can't cook and is simply happy to have me eat her tasty food and do our dishes in lou of cooking. Boyfriend is in Seattle by himself again this Christmas, and that breaks my heart a little. While I will be working tomorrow at least I have the option of being with family before and after.

Super Ill today. I rarely get sick, but I've been running a fever of 102 and aching in more ways than I thought possible. I cried last night as I called my mom to tell her. I am exhausted and my body knows it.

Lord, your birthday often affects me more than your death. The humility into which you came into this world... Lord, You are so precious. and I forget to be thankful for your humility instead of just your law and judgement...Thank you Jesus for coming.

Cracks...

2009-12-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

Its happening...the breaking.
I was in a massage today and a Christmas song came on. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I want a Billings Christmas... I want to walk into the doors of Faith Evangelical Church and be handed a candle with a cardboard holder. I want to relax at home with my mom and dad, I want to dash out the door and meet up with my friends from high school who are getting married and having babies, I want to be surrounded by people who know me. I want to be hugged, but not on this superficial level. I want to be hugged by the people who can see the distress and pain in my eyes. I want to fall apart in some one's arms. It took a year and a half, but I am finally dry. I am parched. How long has it been since I've worshiped at the top of my lungs, and been fed by the words of Christ spoken around me. How long has it been since I've had people KNOW me, let them in...I am so afraid right now. And I have no one to share my fears with. I just keep burrying. It is almost laughable when people comment on how calm I always am...thats because I've learned to stuff every emotion except that which is "acceptable", the good, cheery, and supportive Becca. Fears: Job, Relationships, Family, God. These things that are what make up our moments...and no one knows how horrified I am.

I cried all the way home from work today...not this bawling noisy wetness, but the slow seeping of tears because I have too much going on to break.

Surreal

2009-11-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

I know that we go to school for a reason, we start out with this big plan, an idea of what we hope to get when we are done. But does it really happen. I have had a very surreal experience the last few days. I am now a Certified Massage Therapist. I am a MT at a Spa called Spavia. In the last 2 days I have been able to massage 10 people...does this really happen...

I was in tears on the way to work my first day...I am on my way to my job, where they will pay me to massage people...This has been a goal for nearly 5 years...My senior year of high school, I began thinking about being a massage therapist. Now, 6 years later I am there. How many people get this opportunity? How many friends do I know that hate what they do. That are wandering around...now I guess I begin my wandering. Jesus has been so gracious to me.

Think about it friends, everyday we get to encounter people...and have the opportunity to help or hinder their day...to help them know the love and grace of Christ or deter them from it.

Ha, had a bugger of a time getting signed in to blog today...hopefully next time it won't be so long...

14,000 Things To Be Happy About

2009-09-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

My friend Jazlyn once introduced me to this fabulous and probably frivilous book called "14,000 Things To Be Happy About". It was a very dense book that listed endlessly all the little things in the day that could possibly make one smile...I often give this book as gifts to people. I use to mark on one page a day all the things listed there that I recognized as making me happy. And today, I need to be reminded, listed below is a excerpt from the book...

*I've edited in the parenthesis a thought or memory to add*

the pleasure of remembering great and beautiful things that we cannot lose and the pleasure of sharing them with others
the metronome of rain ( For Cheryl Sinz)
a broad stand-up desk
sipping a margarita and listening to Mozart ( For Kelsie)
graspable directions
a sanctuary from everyday life (Mike and Mary Gammill)
a video you watch together
the guy on the ski jump wiping out during the opening credits of ABC's Wide World of Sports
mild rock concerts
rich and ruddy complexions
grilled nectarines (never had them, they sound nice)
the education and culture to appreciate a quiet place
a little dirt road zigzagging off in search of adventure (1/2 hour outside of Casper in the middle of the night)
Pablo Picasso
trying out the new sled
shower karaoke
licking a stamp (No, really, I really love this taste, I think it comes from being a postman's daughter)
artwork on the walls
pound cake
singing in the back seat
animals I've never seen before (Chinchilla)
writing poetry that no one will see ( For Noah, For Me, For the Youth Girls)
giving a party
the countdown to Christmas
doing something unusual in order to get someone's attention (Once some one fell with a huge tray of plastic glasses full of water. I was a junior higher and it was a leader who recognized the need to snap me out of my strange awkward stupor)
generosity (For whoever paid for me to make it to New York my senior year)
a treehouse fort, hideout, tent, shed, or playhouse
looking through a kaleidoscope

See. Don't you feel better. I do.:0)'

Unoffendable.

2009-09-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

Romans 12:18: If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men....

When did I become so offendable...no, I don't mean offensive..I mean, offendable. When did I start to taking impervious trite things as personal attacks. When did I give up on being unoffendable.

A man who use to mentor me use to alway talk about being unoffendable and the value of that. I find myself losing at that battle.
Customer Service. I use to love the customer. I find it hard these days to expect the best of the customer. To believe that they are not out to offend me personally, I find it hard to seek their personal best instead of my own personal protection....

I don't know what is wrong these days. I don't know, maybe it is the almost 6 years at my job. I love my job. I love people...why then has it become a chore to remind myself that every day. That I love people and want what is best for them? When did this occur?

Being Unoffendable. Being Teachable. These two qualities were ones that Fred often spoke of when he would speak with Cindy and I. Where have these traits gotten shoved to? How quickly my guard goes up these days.

I need to be broken. I need to be healed and redirected and corrected. Lord, I know that when I ask you to do these things...you will do them and they will look much like it has lately, only you will have to be the power in me to over come.

It has just felt like such an epic fail at something I use to love so much.

So Proud

2009-09-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting time at Church. It seems that the Lord is moving ministry piece in a variety of realms. As my sister and her husband are "transitioned" out of their formal/occupational role at their church and my best friend back in Billings is "transitioned" as well, my heart is awakened to praying more intensely. It is difficult to watch these "transitions" occur. Having been in formal/occupational ministry for 3 years, and having chosen to step out of that piece, it hurts my heart to remember the backlash that occurs. The doubts and questions and internal struggles that crop up.

So proud, so very proud of these people, Jason, Sara, and Cindy...

I remember a time a couple years ago that my heart and the hearts of others I knew were being moved to pray more intensely for the community of believers we were among. We never knew why at that period of time our hearts were being drawn to pray thus, and even now I don't know what the movement means, but I am pleased that I can pray to a God who knows where these pieces lay...

Asking that the Lord moves with quickness and clarity, that His peace will rest on these ones I love so dearly. Now the question is where does my piece lay in these issues...

May the love of the Lord wash over you today as you seek Him. May you know Him better because of the things that you see and experience today.

in Christ's Precious Name...

Desire

2009-08-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting at my favorite emo/rock coffee shop in down town Denver. Life has been stressful lately. Lots of work, lots of trying to fit it all in. I am suppose to be working on homework right now, but I stopped in at an old journal and was reading it....its strange how we deceive even ourselves into thinking we are ok.

I paused to talk with Jesus. I use to talk with him alot more, but as time goes on, I tend to want to pretend as though I have it all together and if I am continually yielding to his mercy and grace, I have to admit that I don't have it all together and desperately need him. Well, I am struck again tonight at how much I need him. It is difficult to pause and reflect on my life. I am such a failure. And daily things remind me of my wretched short comings, and unfortunate way that I responded when I have failed. The Me that no one knows, the Me that sees and feels more than I let on to.

It comes up today as I watch me roommate try to process so many things, and my heart aches for her, and it reminds me of my own aches and tears in fabric. It is so painful to yield to my Savior. It is so hard to wait in His presence for answers...but I know it is the only safe place, Waiting in His Presence.

Peace

2009-07-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

Even in the midst of this ambiguious time, I have peace. You know, that peace that even when you look at the worst of the worst of a situation, you still known that it is actually going to be ok. Everything will be ok. I can do only all that I can do in a situation. I have to pray and petition and trust and let it go. This doesn't mean I won't be sad or upset, I am human after all, but its nice to know that there is a bigger source out there for me. I have peace. In the midst of a wavering economy, family turmoil, broken relationships, deteriorating promises, I have peace.

On the other hand, I sleep alot. I sleep to avoid thinking about the things around me that I can't change, the limbo that my heart and mind are in. I sleep, waking and remembering and turning over to go to sleep again. This is unhealthy, but I am afraid of the alternative, which is to throw your soul out there, throw your desires out there and wait for them to be fulfilled, when there is no promise to how long that will be. So I sleep, and hope that my tears will be dried in the morning.

In the middle

2009-07-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

...why start a blog with a greeting to the readers. Chances are you either know me, or could read about me in my profile. So why not just write as though you've been knowing my thoughts for a while.

I slept for 18 hours last night. It is rare for me to sleep that long, but I didn't want to wake up. Have you experienced that? The sleeping until you just can't sleep any more. Some people escape from thinking by drinking, some people work out, some people read. My only form of not thinking and pushing thoughts aside is to sleep. So I slept last night. Too much on my mind.

Need to spend some time with Jesus. Need to let him be my source of escape. I am at a point in my life when I am afraid to ask people for help. I am afriad to break infront of people. Its funny having been through living waters. I recognize the disfunctional aspects in my life but today, just don't want to go through the painful vulnerable motions to rectify them. Sleeping for so long was strange. I dreampt twice that I recieved phone calls setting my mind and heart at ease, only to wake and discover that no such thing had occured.

Its funny our responses to fear. I with draw when afraid. I speak of course of relationships. Parts of me certainly hang out, but the majority of my being wants to withhold out of fear. Even in the midst of fear, I do have peace however, even when facing the worst possible scenarios, I have a peace. I thank my Jesus for this. Nothing is too strong to break me, or at least to break the savior that dwells inside of me.